RANDOM THOUGHTS ON FEAR AND LOVING

Last weekend was the best and worst of times. Beginnings and endings. Laughter and tears.

As is often the case with the tug and tumult of extremes, some convergence and discovery emerged.

Friday we went to a party for a friend who quit her job to spend the summer in Europe. Not a terribly sad occasion--we're not exceptionally close friends and she will be back in August--but we wanted to support her in this big decision she's made. At the party we met some very interesting people, like Chris the video animation technician and Philip, the British computer programmer who lives in our neighborhood and walks his dog past our house.

After bidding our host farewell and making our way home, we ended up in an impromptu party on our back patio with the next-door-neighbors and their houseguests: two new journalist friends from Florida, who were in town for a wedding. Apparently everyone found the conversation sufficiently stimulating, since we didn't call it a night until about 1:00AM. Somewhere over the course of the evening the topic of inappropriate touching came up.

A physical education teacher at our neighborhood elementary school has been charged with sexual misconduct with students, and the principal is facing charges for not reporting the accusations in a timely manner. I have no position on the allegations, but there are some who are claiming that the charges are exaggerated or false. We all agreed that if it's true, the guy should have terrible things done to him; but if his life and career are ruined over false reports, it's a shame that has a long reach.

"With this kind of thing going on, why would anyone ever become a teacher?" asked Neighbor Matt. "The risk seems too great."

Everyone agreed that even for educators of the highest integrity the stakes have gotten terribly high. Every move and every word is scrutinized to the point that even the slightest miscalculation might cost you everything. As parents, all of us recognize the importance of protecting our children; but what happens to the quality of teachers, when the unsupported claims of children are allowed to destroy the adults who have committed so much to the shaping of young minds?

But what about copywriters and urban developers? Preachers and mechanics? Attorneys and carpenters? Don't we all have the threat of litigation hanging over us all the time? One wrong move, and game over. Unfortunately, some people don't fear the risk because they don't care. They are the problem. They sexually harass their employees and create unsafe work environments with little regard for the well-being of others. I'm not talking about assholes like that. I'm talking about the majority of folks who desire to do good.

I guess the question becomes this: Will you live your life in fear, or will you take your chances? What are we really afraid of? Are we afraid of incarceration or financial penalty? Humiliation and inconvenience? Or, are we afraid that our wretchedness will find us out? Most of us, if we are honest, recognize that there are plenty of reasons for us to suffer accusations. Our love is not pure. At least on some higher level, we are usually due a cosmic pounding. We aren't really afraid of the social consequences, we are afraid of our own inability to love recklessly.

"Perfect love casts out fear." Okay, I didn't say it to my friends on the patio, but I did say something like it.

"It seems to me that we have two choices: Live in fear and deny ourselves and others a relationship that is full of honesty and passion, or we can cast care to the wind, love people with all our hearts, and hope for the best."

That seemed to make sense to my friends. They are smart people, their decision to be my friend notwithstanding.

But, why is it so hard for us? Why is it so hard to embrace the one thing that liberates us and heals us, binds us together and gives us peace? Why is it so hard for us to love like that? Sin. That's what sin is about. It's not about having a drink, a smoke, a chew, or runnin' around with girls who do. It's about resisting the power of grace, the power of love to absolutely blow our minds and transform our relationships from antagonistic, competitive equations to nurturing, empowering entanglings of spirit and bone.

So, I went to the wedding the next day. Haven't seen that much seersucker, khaki, linen, dixieland jazz, and mint julip in one place since the last time I stepped into a J. Crew catalog. It was beautiful and joyful to see so many people celebrating unconditional love. I tried to not guard myself in conversation too much, but to give the love that we are all clearly desperate for. I failed much of the time. It is difficult to change our nature.

Perhaps the place we should all begin is the relationship closest to us. If we can love without fear in that place, we can start to build a critical mass that spreads. So, I am trying to give more comfort to my wife. Last weekend she was profoundly sad as she began packing her things and planning her departure from the school that was forced into closure. She's coming out the other side of her loss, and I pray that her happiness will be fully restored.

Saturday, I attended the University's commencement exercises Saturday morning. Immediately after shedding the sweat-soaked cap and gown, I had to deliver my friend, Dr. F, the embattled theater professor, to his moving van and watch him drive away to his new position.

It's always hard when friends leave. But, particularly difficult when they really get the "perfect love casts out fear" idea. Dr. F was unafraid. He refused to buy the company line and modify his behavior, scared it would cost him. The result: He left a legacy of students, and a few faculty, who will likely be a little more loving and reckless in their relationships.

To Dr. F, and Dr. H, who also walked away for good last weekend, and to all of us who are learning how to get beyond the fear: May you teach, trade, write, research, plant, build, defend, prosecute, proclaim, compute, dig, paint, parent, program, sing, and play with a love that is fierce. Is there risk? Will it cost you? Absolutely.

CAIRN

Sorry. I plan to get back to more substantive writing soon; but for now, piles of pre-finals papers await me. So, I go to grade. But before I leave you, let me give you this charge: Buy the new CD from Jeff Wiens. This disc, Cairn, is one of the finest examples of songwriting, inventive arrangements, and incredible production quality you will find in a recording these days. These songs will spill you out and soak you up, box you in and let you loose. Go ahead, listen to it...then buy it.

Buy it, or I'll slap you.