I just came from the hospital, where I was at the bedside of an incredible young woman. Beautiful. Smart. Funny. She represents everything that gives me hope for the future. Whether she is speaking out against injustice, performing, or making a smartass comment to one of her annoying professors, she is doing it with style and grace.
Early yesterday evening she was viciously assaulted. She was running on a recently completed biking trail on a warm sunny day in a small Midwestern town: a town that was recently named one of the safest in America. She suffered numerous broken bones, cuts, and bruises, not to mention the kind of physical and emotional injuries I cannot begin to understand.
After spending hours with her and her family last night and today, I have this to say: Men, hug your daughters.
Women, you should hug your daughters too. And all of you should hug your sons as well. And, if you don't have children, hug someone else's kids so they know they are loved.
But most of all, men, hug your daughters. Hug them until they start to wonder why you're still hugging them--until it starts to embarrass them--then hug them some more.
Also, men, if you ever have the urge to say something, do something, or look at something that treats women as anything other than the apple of some daddy's eye...Stop it.
Just stop it.
21 comments:
That sounds like the kind of thing you have to say more than once.
Specifically I'm referring to the conclusion:
men, if you ever have the urge to say something, do something, or look at something that treats women as anything other than the apple of some daddy's eye...Stop it.
Just stop it.
Not only said more than once but it multiple ways. I mean, why does something like this happen. What are the root causes and what can I do to prevent it from happening again?
About an hour ago, she told the university administration that they had her full permission to release her name and all the details of the crime.
It doesn't surprise me at all. She is an incredibly strong, courageous person who has never believed in hiding the truth to shape a view of reality.
I'm not including any of those details here, that was not my point. If you want them, you can find them.
i have a daughter coming in about 2 months...
this enfuriates me and tortures my soul. there are few things i think i could actually kill a man for... that's one of them. i need grace to help me forgive this kid, and i don't even know this girl.
thank you for the desperately needed reminder of how precious our daughters, even wives, sisters, and mothers are, and the rebuke of thinking the faintest thought or performing the most inconspicuous act relating to these jewels.
we need to regain a solomon-like respect for women. better yet, a Jesus-like respect for them.
thank you.
So how do we feisty feminist chicks encourage men like you to more explicitly commit to making the world safer for us? Just wondering if you have any ideas...
I'm not sure there's an easy prescription. Obviously, the answer is for men to be taught to see women as people and relationships, not objects. How you accomplish that is another matter. I'm not sure anger is always the best method. Convincing men to address the issue with men and boys is probably the start.
Also, parents of daughters can instill in their children a self-respect that doesn't accept objectification. If men regularly receive social penalties for behavior that diminishes women, it might create a slow change.
If we push too hard, we create masculine backlash, which can be worse.
I'm not sure there are words to say. But I want to thank you. For being there for her, for encouraging others to actually do something. For making me appreciate a community that draws closer in times of trial.
My heart hurts. I've been almost physically sick over all of this. But you remind me that there is still good to hold on to. - Jennifer
There is an odd connection between your last post and your current post. The rapist attended an elementary school located just a short distance from Shady Dell while he was growing up. It burdens me that we live in such a prosperous nation, but some neighborhoods produce more criminals than some countries.
I think part of the root problem is that we don't have justice systems (or school systems for that matter) designed to rehabilitate. I've got a hunch that this rape wasn't this guy's first time to break the law.
Just like a teacher sometimes wants to pass a kid on because they don't try or spend time creating discipline problems, law enforcement officers just want to cycle people through the system and pass them on.
There have got to be ways to create systems that try to meet the needs of people and push them in right directions instead of passing them on, but it would require such a radical reallocation of resources and a huge attitudinal shift that I don't expect to see it any time soon.
Reacher - you wrote: "if you ever have the urge to say something, do something, or look at something that treats women as anything other than the apple of some daddy's eye...Stop it."
Stop it???
So what's that mean really? In the real world?
I take it we shouldn't read the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or Playboy or Penthouse or Maxim. I'm good there.
And misogynistic rappers like $50 cent. I don't listen to him.
But what about middle brow art such as James Bond movies. Should we walk out wen the Bond girl comes on screen? Almost every Hollywood and Independent film has a gratuitous love interest. Should we stop watching those as well.
Should we try to find a way to rail against such things in the media as well as avoiding them?
What do you say?
Since the crusaders who like moral checklists struggle with online pornography at an above average rate, I don't think there is much merit in making that the fight. But you raise an interesting question about what we do. In general what works for me is to see women as a daughter or sister. That humanizes them and reshapes the way we are taught to objectify.
However, I wouldn't limit this discussion to misogynistic music and the various degrees of pornography available in mass media; I would expand the conversation to a religious culture that regularly targets women for submission.
For instance, the Southern Baptist Convention will rail against the pornography industry for promoting moral pollution, then pass a resolution that bans women from ordination and orders wives to submit to their husbands. I understand it's more complicated than that, I wrote a book chapter on the subject, but the cultural impact is that young men watch women being disempowered in their churches and homes. It's inevitable that some of them will become abusers or worse when they get the impression that it is okay to bend women to their will.
You can give me all the Promise Keeper BS you want, but the pop theologies that masculinize God and faith work to diminish women and provide cultural justification for the sickos that are already predisposed to abuse.
Okay, let the games begin.
If the status quo was men honoring, respecting and cherishing women for who they are, would the world need feminists?
If not, let's say there are a handful of men in the world who are that way... how are we to go about personally honoring and upholding our women? Stern feminists (i think) would say "Give us more freedom, more independence." But has that sentiment only arisen from patriarchal oppression? On the surface, the "good ole days" where a man opened every door, held every hand, romanced every heart, kissed every foot of his beloved, seems not impossible to uphold today (and i'm sure many still do)... but did that arise out of a sort of patronage that still objectified women? In other words, is this issue a modern one or ancient? Has there ever existed a society in which this was not the case? If so, could this be the society we should seek to mold ourselves into?
Final thought: everything good in this world has been perverted by someone commonly referred to as Satan. When God created the world, he made everything "good", and perfectly good. Now... Sex: perverted. Marriage: perverted. Mother earth: perverted. Music: perverted. Worship: perverted (idolatry). Art: perverted. Let's just say for the sake of intelligent conversation that patriarchy was created by God as a good thing. And guess what has happened... perverted. Throw out sex? Throw out marriage? Throw out all music? Throw out the arts? Stop worshipping anything or anyone? Jaded legalists might say "That's the solution!" Or can we save what was divinely meant for good as we rest in the hands of the One who can help us make that a reality. Again, i can't emphasize enough... in our natural state, we (humans) cannot keep the good good... we pervert it. But we have a promise that when the spirit of Christ is in us and living through us that can and will happen... and it does.
Food for thought.
Love and grace.
While we are on the issue of trying to do our best in our own little corners of this world to make the world a safer, more joyous place to live, I must bring up one point, which i'm sure won't be a surprise to anyone reading this. There is one more absolutely vital safeguard that needs to be dialogued about and hopefully acted upon... it's called "helping your brother, or sister, not to stumble." Before you just discount me as some animal offering an excuse for men who struggle with lust, listen to a broken man who has had to fight a long, hard, weary battle with the mind. Think of me, and many others who long to maintain perfectly pure thought lives yet continuously fall short, as broken, weary warriors in a battle for our minds... a battle in which the assault never stops, and when it does, all we have is the aftershocks and flashbacks from the trauma inflicted...on our minds. Now, I have to preface with the fact that many many people are not fighting this war... they are not fighting this enemy... they are feeding him... feeding him their lives... and being consumed, thinking that it's the most euphoric thing in the world.
But for those of us who are fighting against this enemy, please think on us with pity, compassion, desire to help. And once your heart aches for we weary soldiers, listen to our cry:
"Help us!"
Help us by not feeding the beast. There is a book entitled "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arturburn which describes the war we're trying to fight. I want to address only one element... i will not oversimplify anything, yet I will not overlook anything. We need a healthy respect for sexuality. Not respect in the Roman sense.... the Romans flaunted the "beauty" of the human body, exposing themselves so as not to cover their beautiful bodies. They expressed it in their art and in their lifestyles... and they expressed it in their promiscuity. The Roman empire was toppled for one reason (and I really don't want to argue theology... this is my belief): their immorality. Do you see any parallels to the Roman mindset today? In our art? In our "expression"? The way we dress? The way we "entertain" ourselves? The things we sing about, speak about, perform on stage, on screen? If we are to win this war, we have to stop the ammo from flying. Do we need to make a list? Do we really need to? If we do, then let's do. But I think most people know what needs to be done. We flaunt our bodies on purpose. We want to be attractive to others in various degrees. I believe it's much harder for men to flaunt sexuality, although there is an upswing in shaving chests, arms, legs and the like and building bodies that women drool over. It's much easier to stimulate a man. Short skirts, short shorts, tight fitting clothing (yes, that includes jeans!)... need I go further? Our bodies are beautiful. They are wonders of creation, created beautiful in the image of God. But certain expressions are meant to be shared by husband and wife.
So is modesty the solution? No. Is part of the solution? Yes. Is the kind of modesty I'm talking about difficult and completely unrealistic? It shouldn't be, but for most, yes. But for the sake of the protection of the daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, wives and husbands of this world, it is worth it.
Again, I'm not abdicating responsibility for one's own thoughts and actions. I'm merely confessing that we're weak beings in need of all the help we can get. Dads, husbands, brothers, be a little more overprotective. For the sake of everyone.
I wish it was as easy as "Just stop it."
What women wear should have no effect on how men act?
In some instances, saying "stop it" ought to be enough.
let me correct my last post.
what women wear should have no effect on how men act.!
saying "stop it" is enough.
For the record, if you use a name, it makes it easier for us to keep track of your thoughts. It doesn't have to be your real name, but try to stay away from "Anonymous;" everyone's using that one these days.
As for the responsibility issue: Sure, modesty would help. But what usually happens in the rhetoric of modesty is a slow shifting of blame from men to women. That's our cultural problem. In our attempt to solve the problem, we end up putting the burden on the very people being victimized.
The world has been contorted and twisted by an out of control machismo for centuries. I understand that it is difficult, but we need to raise the expectation level for our boys and men. Women can help the situation, if they want to, but it's not ultimately their responsibility.
Thanks for making this a meaningful conversation.
Actions flow from thoughts. The way we think about things or people has direct corollation to the way we act. Reacher is trying to help change the way we think about women. Reacher, I could not agree with you more on almost all of your points. We absolutely MUST think of not just women, but all fellow human beings as sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, wives, husbands... most of all as God's loved creation. I also agree that there has been a great deal of blame-shifting over the last few decades. I am not aware of the modesty issue being a historical one, but a rather recent one, as our culture (like the ancient Roman culture) has become increasingly immodest, sexually permissive and promiscuous. TRUE, sexual promiscuity is an historical sin. No surprise there. But I believe that, where it may have once been enough to merely think differently about other members of the opposite sex, those very intentions have become increasingly difficult to uphold when our physiological responses are triggered by what we see with our eyes. Of course it's not "all their fault." It's much more our fault... there is no one to blame for our actions. But when people, by the way they clothe themselves (or rather don't!), present themselves as objects to be groveled over, they are absolutely responsible to a degree. You cannot tell me with a clear conscience that a woman walking down the street wearing one of those o-so-trendy super-short skirts that barely cover her behind has no intention of attracting the attention of men in a sexually objective way. That would be mere ignorance. Sure, we could argue that they are merely trying to get attention because men won't give it to them for any other reason. BUT, again, that's feeding the beast. It's feeding the objectification of themselves as sexual objects. We men, when we insist on shaving our entire bodies, being "metrosexual" or even macho (however we try) to gain that same kind of attention are guilty of the same offense. Again, I cannot emphasize enough that we have to fight this war BY EVERY POSSIBLE MEANS. I do take this very seriously. I wouldn't waste my time writing on this blogsite if I didn't desperately want to make a positive impact in the world. Reacher, I believe you share my conviction. Thank you for making this a place dedicated to peace, love and justice.
P.S. sorry for the pretentious omission of my name. as long as we all respect the humanity of every individual, regardless of their shortcomings, i will feel safe. please continue to reassure that.
For the record, Beloved, your anonymity is not a problem; because we can tell which commments are yours.
I understand your aim, but your statement "actions flow from thoughts" is key. OUR actions are best controlled by disciplining OUR thoughts. The alcoholic, who is physically addicted to drink, cannot get well if he blames the liquor store. The obese person cannot correct her situation if she blames Krispy Kreme. Sure, everyone could behave more responsibly; but if the demand changes, the supply will change.
Why do some women dress the way they do? Is it because they want to control men? Or, is it that they live in a culture that has limited their social power so significantly that they have chosen this as a way to respond? Doesn't that change when real power and respect are given back to women?
The snag in your argument, Beloved, is that no matter how you soften it, we end up placing the responsibility for change on the victim. And where does it stop? Do we address the problem of inappropriate dress by mandating robes and burkas? How about coporal punishment for any provocative behavior? Under your logic of shared responsibility, ANY visible female form could lead to temptation, and women are morally ogliged to conceal it.
There are some counties in Southwest Missouri that encourage deals rather than trials in rape cases. They can't get juries to convict rapists. All a defense attorney has to do is ask the victim what she was wearing. By turning it on her, they are able to get acquittals. I know you would acknowledge that as bullshit, and that such juries deserve prosecution themselves for being an embarrassment to the human race, but that's the world in which we live.
I know your intent is good, but to open the modesty door is to let in a flood of justification that drowns the victim.
Thank you. I was wondering if anyone would make that point. If my grasp of the scientific method is correct, if rape were based on sexuality/the suggestion of promiscuity/or the amount of skin revealed, then we should see a quantifiable increase in rape per capita during the summer months, or in warmer climates, or in Vegas, but not necessarily when someone is jogging.
Maybe your counter-argument is that the general culture, or prevailing style of dress, perpetuates an attitude of objectification, and then this attitude is released on any ol' person, whether they are in a bikini or an ankle length skirt.
Putting aside the horrific issue of rape for a moment, which I do not believe comes from a hyper-sexualized culture, the issue of objectification itself is a funny thing. Is it any less superficial for a man to objectify a woman for her body than a woman objectifies a man for his earning power? I am also not really open to the argument that the woman is less superficial because she is thinking about the well being of her family - generally we don't think things through like that; it is an innate sexual appeal in both cases. Paint me an evolutionary behaviorist if you will, but I do believe strongly in our internal mechanisms that were put there by God or just pure science, or, as I prefer to think, both, whether I like them or not, as these mechanisms are often superficial and impede us in our relationships with others. There is also a lot of cultural influence as well, but my point is that we all objectify others in a variety of ways, and sex is just one way in which we do it.
Not a Puritan by any means, I'll say what one very rarely hears. I LIKE watching a beautiful woman toss her hair in one of my classes. I ENJOY sneaking a peek and the sexy girl in the lane next to me while waiting at the light. And that girl in Borders with (gasp!) her navel ring? I’m not making a show of it, but to say that I don’t notice it, in a positive way, that it isn’t part of the lively scenery of just daily existence is ridiculous. I do this everyday. I am single and I kind of enjoy it. (In most cases) I don’t know these women. I mean them no harm. I’m sure if I got to know them for five minutes my attention would shift elsewhere, their breadth of musical knowledge or, in the negative sense, their inability to carry on a meaningful conversation. (Seriously, eventually these things take precedence.) But in the meantime, why is it wrong to appreciate beauty? I am obviously built to be attracted to it, and the Creator obviously created it. How is that more shallow than looking at a sunset? Isn’t that no more than a differing angle of light that is refracted by particulate matter in the atmosphere? Is this somehow a noble thing to appreciate but if a woman wears a long dress that does wonderful things to her natural curves, then we are both somehow complicit in the debasement of society?
Somehow, this sexuality has been connected to the sociopathic behavior of rape, which suggests that the logical end of me checking out the girl at Starbucks with the navel ring is a nascent sociopathic act, and that is not an idea I entertain.
My heart goes out to your student, Brett, and I don’t mean to impersonalize her or her situation by expressing myself here. I hope she recovers fully and quickly.
A couple more things:
Is there any more nobilitiy in a raw intelligence that was granted to someone who did nothing to earn it?
And as far as immodest dress goes, nothing could be more relative. We chortle at the shock those in the 1800's felt when a woman showed her ankles, or at the turn of the century when the girls at the Moulin Rouge raised their dresses above their knees. Talk about something that wildly fluctuates according to the whims of time.
And, of course, heaps of tribal cultures where nothing or next-to-nothing at all, with nary a thought, and if, rather, your concern has to do with the sexual taboo our culture has ASSIGNED
revealing clothes, then wouldn't more of it bring us closer to that native, pre-Fallen state?
A silly thought, maybe, but no more than the idea that an exposed thigh is going to drive us all crazy, but covering it up with the latest styles from The Limited will save us.
I know, I know. Cultural relativism. Moral relativism. Bah. The debate rages. I am certain there ARE some absolutes out there. But the necessary length of your skirt is not one of them.
intelligent, provocative helpful thoughts. i respect the opinions of everyone who has been a part of this conversation (and concur with most of them).
i need to clarifiy something (which may or may not need clarification). i must apologize for allowing this post, ultra-sensitive as it is, stemming from a real life event that is representative of a horrific plight worldwide, to veer off into the rabbit trail of modesty. this blog incited my thoughts regarding sexuality, modesty, immorality and the like, but i never meant to tie modesty or the lack thereof to rape. i agree 100% with sister and nate that rape is about power, and my heart grieves even for the little boys who are raped by mothers, baby sitters, and others (such as was the case recently in SW missouri). i absolutely affirm the conviction that blaming rape on immodesty is completely ridiculous and inhumane.
i guess more than anything, my statement "Help us" reveals my intent with my comments. who is us? certainly i am not grouping myself with rapists! "us" is those who struggle with lust in their minds and hearts, and for a majority of "us", other more subtle, personal "acts". i don't want to get into the whole morality of masturbation debate. all i know is deep in my heart and from my own experience, for me, it is wrong, 100% of the time. i don't care who you're looking at, thinking about, whatever, unless it's being performed by your spouse. period. i'm not interested in arguing about that, and i refuse to.
many many people need help with this issue, because it's destroying marriages, and thus families, and thus churches (and Dr. Dobson would probably continue the slippery slope to society as a whole... but we won't go there either... we all know the sentiment towards him and his views within this "e-community"). people need help.
coming from a person who has struggled with this in the not-so-distant past, i don't have all the answers to how to solve the lust problem. it's not just prayer. it's not just memorizing and meditating on scripture or the love of God. it's not just believing you're a saint instead of a sinner. it's not just being thankful that Jesus died for you. it's not just getting rid of the internet, or having an accountabililty partner. it's not confessing to a priest for crying out loud. lust is an internal struggle, the same as pride, the same as greed (which pretty much covers every sin you can think of). so of course the solution is "change your attitude". change the way you think about things. change the way you look at people and feel towards them.
if i could do that 24/7/365, God knows i sure would.
nate struck a very strong chord in his comments on indigenous cultures and the lack of clothing, and historical precedents of "immodesty" in the eyes of a cultural group. it's true that it has a tremendous amount to do with cultural perception and attitudes. arousal seems to stem many times from the brink of the unknown. seeing what you're not supposed to see, what someone doesn't want you to see. the more familiar something becomes, the less it seems to arouse. so for indigenous African tribes in which men and women wear very little clothing because of the climate, women often being topless, sexual promiscuity isn't any more rampant than it is here. so i agree, it's not all about square inches of skin coverage. but how do you think those societies view sexuality? do you think husbands and wives truly enjoy each other's intimacy, or do they just have sex, get it over with and make babies, like animals? do they, as nate described, cherish the beauty of the body, or is it just one more overlooked element of God's beautiful creation?
if anyone assumes that i think i have all the answers, i can assure you, you're wrong. i have a lot of answers, it just seems that none of them are completely sufficient in and of themselves.
i'm still reaching.
but on this issue, i sure would like to grasp something that would help the millions of people torn apart by pornography, voyeurism, lust, masturbation. most people don't have the support i have. i can't imagine putting myself in their shoes.
help anyone?
If anyone's still listening, i'll keep dialoguing. If no one replies, i'll drop it...
Sister, i'm SO with you. Attitude is vital. Believe me (or don't)... i've tried as hard as i know how to keep the right attitude in regards to lust. i'm married as well (only 2 years) and it's still a struggle for me. and my wife is as beautiful to me as anyone i've ever seen. i love her more than anyone on the face of the earth. and i realize what's at stake if i let this continue. i'm trying desperately to somehow be free from an addiction. i've tried everything i know to try, including faith that God will "deliver me from evil, and lead me from temptation." i can't count the number of times i've told myself (and my wife, whom i've shared this all with, unfortunately for her) "Never again! i'm just going to stop, think purely..." and all that. and you know, it works for about a week at a time... then temptation hits... and it doesn't let up till i give in. and after i do, i hate myself for about 2 days, contemplating abandoning faith in a God who won't make me stop sinning, even entertaining thoughts of suicide. really, i (and i'm speaking for anyone else who is in the same boat as me) need help. plain and simple. i've sought it, but noone has answers that work. how many men sit in front of a computer screen and share their deepest shameful secrets with complete strangers around the world? am i a male chauvinist pig? a womanizer? a wife-beater? a rapist? i guess i'll let you be the judge. no, really, i'm being completely transparent, so you have every right to judge. if no one took the time to seriously assess my condition, how could they help? if i don't yell at the kid standing in the middle of the street when a car is coming (or run out and grab him for that matter!!), what kind of sick, twisted love would that be? i think they call that hate. or maybe just apathy.
love is so good.
it's the only thing that's really good.
without it, what would we live for?
g'nite.
Probably nobody listening but me. The way these things are set up, we all move on to the next thing.
Everyone, particularly men, can relate to the urges that plague you. I don't think you are as alone as you may think. What needs correction, in my view, is how you view yourself in the process. I have a friend who is gay. He lives in a constant state of self-condemnation, because it is his identity and he cannot change who he is. He talks about God referring to him as "the faggot." I tell him that he will never be delivered from the guilt and shame until he quits transferring his self-loathing onto God. Likewise, you will not be delivered from the effects of the guilt until you start to accept acceptance. God is not impressed with you, nor is he disappointed in you. God is no respecter of persons. Am I giving you license to sin? Sorta. I'm suggesting that you need to respond to the motivation of gratitude more than the motivator of guilt.
I know that is trite and easy for me to say, but the behavior remains. So what? Focusing on the behavior insures that it will remain.
I would suggest that, like any recovering addict, you find someone to talk to who can provide support and accountability. But, any approach that elevates the behavior as a talisman for spirituality is doomed. You are loved. No matter what. Relax and accept it.
Post a Comment