MY HERO

I have been away, mentally and physically, for the past couple of days. I may try to unravel the incredibly tangled web we created with that last post. I just don't have the energy or desire at the moment.

I spent this afternoon with her and her family.

I sat in the courtroom, at the county courthouse, in my college town, watching a preliminary hearing. My presence was motivated by nothing but her desire to be surrounded by people who cared about her.

What a weekend. She graduated on Friday, and this on Monday.

She sat up there on the witness stand, still in her neck collar, and was the bravest person I've ever met. She told all the awful details to the judge, the attorneys, a room full of people, and the accused. She never faltered, never wavered. When she pointed at him, in his orange jump suit, she looked at him for a moment, then she was done. He would maintain no hold on her today.

She made it look easy, even though I'm sure it was excruciating. I know I hurt. I know I couldn't stop thinking about my daughters, until I had to force myself to stop thinking about them so I wouldn't start weeping or cursing. But something about her courage and strength rebuked me. In a strange way, I felt like she was supporting me. Her faith and her bravery surpass anything I've seen lately. I lost the urge to romanticize my pain as a father. She revoked my permission to grieve as a dad. I had no right. We didn't dwell on destruction, we moved on to live and love another day.

When she was talking with her counselor at home, she said, "I'm glad it was me."

What?

"There are a lot of women who wouldn't have been able to handle this. I can. I'm glad it was me and not one of them."

That's one of the most disturbing and beautiful things I've ever heard.